2001
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| Thaksin Shinawatra. Image by Dave Thompson |
Woo, elected Prime Minister. Guess this pan-asian economic downturn wasn't bad news for everyone. Ok, down to business. Rural development plans! Universal healthcare! Credit for the poor! Smash the drug trade!
OK, just don't get too carried away with that last one.
Sorry, can't hear you. Smash smash smash! Also, free hot dogs for all!
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| Image from AP |
Man, this guy is AWESOME.
2005
Listen, you guys totally do not need to worry about this, but I am allowing the Shin corporation to be sold to Singapore tax-free and yes, while this will technically make my family billionaires, I swear it is 100% above-board.
That is bogus, plus also I heard he once did something that could be construed as mildly disrespectful to the king or something.
2006
We're not going to play in this election. You guys always win. The king should just appoint someone to be Prime Minister.
Fine, you big babies, I'll do it on hard mode. Even if I win, I'll resign if I get less than 50% of the electorate. That way, your guys can just stay at home or vote for Nader.
Election results: 66% for Thaksin.
I sometimes wish that someone would step up to resolve this regrettable political crisis.
Read you loud and clear,
daddy-o. That last election doesn't count.
You have to be kidding me.
Hey, you know what I heard? When Thaksin was in Finland recently he told lots of people that he was going to overthrow the king and make himself king and then he kicked a puppy and said all the things you like are stupid. I heard it from
someone in Finland who you wouldn't know, so I wouldn't bother checking.
Yeah, that's obviously true.
Whatever. Listen, I have to go to New York to do some UN stuff, but when I get back, we are totally going to do this election.
Military Coup! We're suspending the constitution and dissolving Parliament. Martial law is now in effect. All protests are now banned. All media stories must be approved by us. Thaksin, you and your party are banned from politics. The rest of your government is under arrest.
Uh guys, what do you think you're doing?
I wish I could do anything other than accept this, but my hands are tied. Would you like to come over to my place for dinner?
This is BULLSHIT.
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| Image from the BBC |
Our work here is done.
Thaksin Shinawarta, please report to jail.
I'd love to, but I'm busy hanging out in the UK, telling everyone I meet about how you guys are dicks.
2007-2008
Much as I love being the military-installed token Prime minister, I guess it's time for an election.
Guys, I totally have a plan. Just cross out "Thaksin Shinawarta and the TRT party" on your banners and replace it with "Samak Sundarajev and the PPP".
Victory for the PPP and the We Don't Support The Exiled Visionary Thaksin Because That Would Be Against The Law, Wink Wink Coalition.
Hey, Samak, you're a TV chef, right?
Well, technically now I'm the prime minister, I mean...
Ha! The constitution forbids the PM from working for anyone else. What if your producer at the TV station told you to hand over the keys to the country, eh?
You're out of here!
OK, fine. Somchai, you're the new leader of the PPP.
Aren't you Thaksin's brother-in-law?
I don't see what that has to do with anything.
STORM PARLIAMENT!
TAKE THE AIRPORT! I AM SO ANGRY RIGHT NOW!
Somchai, your government is dissolved. You can get back into politics in five years. If you're good.
Whoever has the next-biggest party in parliament should form a government.
I guess that's us, suckers.
I get to be prime minister!
2009-10
RAAAAGE
Calm down, or we'll fucking calm you down.
2011
OK, Wow. Everyone chill. We'll have some more elections. Alright, so my name is Abhasit Vejjajiva and I'm the Democrat party nominee. My positions are 1) business knows best 2) more help for Bangkok and the south 3) the king is awesome and 4) Thaksin Shinawatra was a real dick and we are all better off now that he's holed up in Dubai updating his MySpace or whatever.
I'm Yingluck Shinawatra of the
Pheu Thai party, and my positions are 1) Government is there to help people 2) The North and countryside have been neglected 3) The king is awesome, but I like it when he sticks to waving and
playing the blues 4) YOU'RE the dick, Abhasit
Aren't you Thaksin's sister?
I don't see what that has to do with anything.
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| The rest of the world: image from NASA |
Man, I hope this time will be different.
Victory for the PPP and the We Don't Support The Exiled Visionary Thaksin Because That Would Be Against The Law, Wink Wink Coalition.
I don't know if Red Ken has considered it, but free hotdogs for all might be a good manifesto position for the London Mayoral election
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